The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
