I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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