I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
