on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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