Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
