Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
