Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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