I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
