Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize