You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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