when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
