I wish I could teleport
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
