i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
