a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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