Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
