Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's shark week go big or go home
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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