All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
