he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
