morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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