Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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