we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize