Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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