when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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