Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just cropdusted the office
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
