he shaved USA in his pubs
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
