Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
