Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
