We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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