she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
