I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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