you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
