i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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