Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
