i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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