My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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