Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
birth control should be required to get into college
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize