I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
