i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
