I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
