I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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