There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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