dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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