Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Text me some of your sweat
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