I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
