next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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