I wish I could punch you in the face.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
