It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
