I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
