You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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