You just made me feel so damn special
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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