there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
