I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
